I May Be Slow, But I'm Doing It

I don't work out NEARLY enough.  It is a major downfall I have.  I always have good intentions, but the follow through doesn't always happen.  I know if I start working out more, the scale will move more, and right now.... I REALLY want that.  I miss having those 3-5 pound losses (or more) every week like I did in the beginning.  Now, I'm lucky if I get a 1 pound loss lately.  I had one good 4 pound loss a couple weeks ago, but other than that.... it's been very slow going.  I finally forced myself to go for a walk/run yesterday.  I found this app a while back called Map My Walk that uses GPS to track your mileage and time.  Looking through my (very short) work out history on the app, I realized that even though these workouts are spaced way far out, each time I go for a walk/run I get a little faster.  It's not much... but seeing that made me SO HAPPY!! And Motivated to do more!  And even better..... the scale was DOWN 1.6 pounds this morning! 

I used to HATE running.  I couldn't have run if my life depended on it.  If I were in a Zombie apocalypse, I might as well have just laid down and waited to be eaten.  When I first started trying to "run" it was more of just an awkward walk thingy where I lifted my knees a little higher and swung my arms a little more.  But now, I can actually jog.  I'm slower than a turtle walking through molasses and I don't "run" as far as I would like, but.... hey, I'm doing it.  And looking at the results above, I'm getting better.  If I keep it up, eventually, I might just be able to beat that turtle. 

MORNING NAKED WEIGH IN: WEEK 34

WooHoo!! Finally a Good Loss!!

Total for the week: -4.4 pounds

Total Lost So Far: 73 Pounds

Knowing When To Stop

One of the hardest things for me to learn since having my Gastric Bypass surgery has been WHEN TO STOP eating, ESPECIALLY if what I'm eating is very good. I think this issue is one of the leading causes to me being SO overweight.
I don't eat anywhere near the amount I used to eat, but I still catch myself saying "one more bite" especially if it's really yummy, usually regretting that decision immediately. Sometimes I'll eat until I'm full, and stop like a good girl, but as I sit at the table and everyone else is still eating I continue to "pick" at my food until everyone else is done, eating more than I originally intended.
This is such a dangerous habit that needs to be broken. By pushing the limit I know I can, and eventually will, stretch out my stomach, and I do NOT want that to happen. I must learn to slow waaay down and really pay attention and STOP at that "satisfied" moment EVERY time. I don't have to eat until I'm "full". I did NOT get this surgery and go through all that I've been through to wind up remaining over weight.
Change doesn't occur over night. I'm miles away from the person I used to be but a lifetime of bad habits doesn't just go away. But I'm aware of them. And I'm actively working on changing them.   When I think about how much my attitude towards food has changed JUST in the past 7 months, I'm amazed.  I'm not perfect and never will be.  I am so much better than I was, and I will become much better than I am now.

MORNING NAKED WEIGH IN - WEEK 32

Weekly Loss: .8lbs

Total Loss So Far:  69.4lbs

MORNING NAKED WEIGH IN - WEEK 30 AND WEEK 31

WEEK 30

Weekly Loss: 1.4lbs

Total Loss: 67.2lbs

WEEK 31

Weekly Loss:  1.4lbs

Total Loss: 68.6lbs

To Realize How Far We Have Come, We Must Remember Where We Have Been

 

Today I went clothes shopping for an outfit to wear 

to my daughter's Graduation, that would also work 

as a professional Interview Outfit.  

I walked away empty handed.

For once, the clothes FIT.  AND the top was a size 14/16!! 

Putting it on felt A-MAZING! 

Then I looked into the full length mirror....

It just didn't look good on me.

I left feeling disappointed.

I've lost 67 pounds, and yet, I still can't 

find anything that will look decent on me.

But then I remember back to being in that SAME 

dressing room, trying on size 26 clothes and

they were TOO TIGHT!! 

I may not be satisfied now, or able to find

clothes that look "cute" on me.....

But I'm definitely heading in the right direction.

I guess sometimes to realize how far we have come,

we have to remember where we have been...

MORNING NAKED WEIGH IN: WEEK 29

TOM came to visit this month, so I wasn't expecting much of a loss..... and didn't get one.

Loss for the week: .2 lbs

Total loss so far: 65.8 lbs

MORNING NAKED WEIGH IN: WEEK 27 AND WEEK 28

Week 27

Weigh in Results: +.8lbs

Total Loss So Far:  63.8

 

Week 28

Weigh in results: -1.8

Total Loss So Far:  65.6

Who Do I WANT To Be?

 Maybe it's part of getting older... or maybe it's a result of the surgery and the changes it has brought... but I find myself searching for who I AM.  Because honestly..... sometimes, I just don't know.  

 How much of my life has been wasted on "One Day...", "When I Lose Weight", "If I were skinny",  "If only".....   It feels like I've gone through life holding  down the "Pause" button, waiting for this or that to happen first.  But.... What would my life be like if there was NOTHING holding me back?   Not my weight, my self esteem, my insecurities... What if I didn't CARE what people thought of me?  What if I didn't have limitations on what I could  do.  What if I could go back to Graduation Day at high school, with my new sense of "Freedom", a little wiser than I was back then, carrying all the hope and belief that I did on that day of my future.  What would I choose to do? 

As I shed my excess pounds, I am also working on shedding all the other things that I have held on to that have kept me down. Because, let's face it, although my weight has made things more difficult for me... My weight isn't REALLY what has held me back all these years, but my own insecurities about it.  At social events I felt awkward, so I kept to myself.  I realize now that it wasn't THEM not talking to ME,  By staying off by myself, my entire body language was screaming BACK OFF.   When we went to the Lake, public pools, water parks, etc.  I could have gotten a bathing suit on and joined in. (Of course, I weighed too much for some of the water slides, but I could have joined in the Wave Pool and the Lazy River), but I was so embarrassed of my body, I refused to be seen in Public in a bathing suit.  So I wore Capri pants and a T Shirt over my swimsuit and stood around waiting at the end of each ride, sometimes for over an hour, for the my husband and kids to come out.  And it isn't my weight that has kept me from pursuing my dreams.... it's my fear of what others would think of them.   And now.... I've suppressed those dreams for SO LONG, I don't even know what they ARE anymore.   

More NSV's (Non Scale Victories)

This week I have been focusing on some of the "NSV's" I've noticed so far.   They are small things, but for those that are or have ever been morbidly obese..... you will understand.

1.   When I sit in my car, the steering wheel no longer rubs my stomach, and I don't have to have the seat ALL the way back anymore.  There is actually a gap now between my stomach and the steering wheel.

2.  I can now fold my hands in my lap when I'm sitting.  Before I lost weight, I had a hard time trying to figure out what to do with my hands and my arms if there was no arm rests.   I was too big around to clasp my fingers and I had NO LAP whatsoever.  My stomach rested on the tops of my legs.  I now have a lap and can comfortably sit in the chairs at my daughters cheer practice and not even THINK about what my arms are doing. 

3.  I can now bend over and pick something up off the floor.  Even small items.

4.  I can put my socks and shoes on and not feel like I have just run a marathon.

Morning Naked Weigh In - Week 17

What a STRESSFUL Week!!  Between an Emergency trip to the hospital with my husband,  Him off work all week, Lay Off's at my work, and a meeting to discuss this "critical period" at work,  I have been one stressed out Momma!  The scale shows it too....... I GAINED 1.4lbs.   Gotta get busy and hit the gym this week to work it off!  Weigh In results: 248.6 pounds. 

NSV - NON SCALE VICTORY

Yesterday I finally bought a new pair of jeans since having the surgery in October! I've been wearing the same jeans I had before surgery, but they look really bad now, way too baggy.  They aren't falling off yet, but the legs and rear end just sag.  I bought a size 20 Jeans! And they fit great! At my highest weight I was in a size 28 and they were tight....  I have to admit, the thrill of fitting into a size 20 yesterday was greatly dimmed looking at myself in that full length mirror.  Seeing my clothes sag on me felt great, it showed progress!  But seeing myself in a pair of jeans that fit, really showed me how far I still have to go.... not just to goal but to just looking decent in a pair of jeans.  And I've got a belly roll above my jeans line that is still there, that really bothers me.  I put on my saggy jeans again after trying on the 20's and noticed that in those jeans too, the roll is there, I just chose to ignore it.   I was a little down last night...... but I'm feeling much more optimistic today.   I'm not going to get there over night.  And while..... 51 pounds is a lot to lose, when I have THIS Much excess weight, it's not going to have as great an impact on me as it would on someone with less to lose. My husband suggested taking pictures each month so I can compare, which I really should have been doing all along. 

Head Hunger

Tonight, I'm dealing with Head Hunger.  You know that feeling that you want to eat a snack?  Even though you've had dinner, you still just want ...."something" but can't figure out just what that "something" is.  Something sweet? Something Salty? Something Snacky.   I've got that now.  I know that it is head hunger and not actual hunger.   While I'm very tempted to start trying various things to fill that craving,  I will not let myself cave in.  I am strong.  I am determined.  I will find something else to do instead....  and as soon as my phone finishes charging,  I will go to the gym and distract myself.   It is finding and maintaining the power to make THESE kind of choices EVERYDAY that will see me to my GOAL WEIGHT and keep me there. 

NOT JUST FOR ME, BUT ALSO FOR THEM

This rings so true!  My children are a big reason why I ultimately decided on Weight Loss Surgery.  I can preach to them all day long about eating right and exercising, but if they see me making poor choices, not exercising, and always being unhappy with myself, who am I teaching them to become?